Procedurally Speaking

 Today's post includes, but is not limited to, portions of the awesome conversation between me and one of Wisconsin's finest Department of Revenue Tax "Experts" regarding a letter I received in the mail today informing me that the legitimacy of my three children as claimed on my state tax form is "being reviewed."

Me: One of the pieces of documentation on the list of requirements to verify the Child Tax Credit says that you need a statement from the school/daycare providers that each child attended from January 1 to December 31, 2011. Only one of my children is old enough to attend school and he was only in preschool for 3 months last year.

“Expert”: Okay...

Me: So do you still need the documentation? Even though only one of them was in school for only 3 months out of 12?

“Expert”: Yes.

Me: So... is it a requirement that the children need to be attending school in order to claim the Child Tax Credit?

“Expert”: No.

Me: Then why do you require a statement to prove that the child attended school?

“Expert”: I don't know. It's just part of the procedure I guess.

Me: Okay, well there are also a lot of other requirements on this list that don't even apply to me – there's proof of divorce and renting information – do I just skip over the parts that are irrelevant?

FYI: There are TEN rather detailed requirements listed in the letter, at least half of which are irrelevant to me.

“Expert”: Yes. We send everyone the same letter. Just ignore or write Not Applicable or something like that next to the ones that don't apply to you.

*Thanks for the personalized service, State Department of Revenue. So tell me, exactly how many potentially (though not bloody likely) illegitimate children ARE under “investigation” this year?

Best For Last:

Me: It says here that you want me to mail you the ORIGINAL birth certificates for all three of my children.

“Expert”: Yes, that's correct.

Me: Well, I'm very uncomfortable with that. The first thing anyone will tell you is that you should NEVER give up the original copies of your important documents. What happens if they get lost in between?

“Expert”: (long pause, a little too long perhaps, then) Well I guess we just have to trust the Post Office for that one. We'll send it back to you certified mail. If it makes you feel better you can send it to us certified as well, although it'll cost you more that way.

What I Should Have Said: So... you're concerned about ME spending a couple of extra dollars on certified shipping when it's costing HOW MANY TAXPAYER DOLLARS to return all of these apparently many many certificates that YOU are requesting?

What I Actually Said: ….. (not a thing, processing the insanity)

“Expert” steps in, says: … I don't know where Highland is, but... what is it near? We have offices all over. You could just bring it in.

Me: (would slap guy's forehead for him if he were closer; WHY did we just go through this ENTIRE postal service bit if there was a way available for me to hold on to the originals the WHOLE TIME?!) The address on the letter is Madison. That's the closest city to us. Is that where you are?

“Expert”: Yes. We're here Monday through Friday from... etc. etc.

*At least he knows when they're open.

Me: Well I'm pretty sure that the birth certificates were sent to me from the state to begin with. Why don't you have a way of just looking them up? Or why can't you at least accept photocopies since I'm sure you have all of the information there somewhere?

“Expert”: (following another unnecessarily lengthy pause) I don't know. That's just the procedure I guess.

One day, I'm going to sit down and create my own Procedure, which will require anyone wishing to include the word 'Revenue' in his/her job title to be able to provide me a succinct and logical explanation of the meaning and purpose of any and all government “procedures” relating to my specific situation. If he/she is unable to provide this explanation to my satisfaction, I reserve the right to stop paying taxes until such time as said employee is replaced with either a more knowledgeable employee or a well-trained monkey. (Wondering how the monkey could be at all useful in a telephone conversation? Frankly, so am I a little, but if the monkey doesn't speak English, so far I haven't found that to be a requirement for government employment regardless of species.)

And by the way, my PROCEDURE (oh yes, all caps, NOW it's official) will also require me to fill out and submit any and all tax forms in the following manner: by turning the form upside down and writing all letters and numbers on the correct lines, but backwards, so as to require a government “expert” to use an expert mirror to interpret my writing. And when they inevitably contact me to ask why on earth I would fill out my tax forms in such a confusing and illogical manner which is ultimately costing them a great deal in time and resources, not to mention giving them terrible migraines, I will, of course, reply:

“I don't know. That's just the procedure... I guess.”   

*On a related note, should you find Cereal Mom blog to be shut down indefinitely in the near future, this will most likely be the result of a lengthy and, of course, incredibly expensive government investigation into whether or not I may legally be allowed to continue to call my blog Cereal Mom given the fact that I a) may not actually BE a mom (photographs of me holding my children in the hospital and/or carrying them in my uterus are, clearly, considered to be unacceptable forms of identification and b) may - not - even - like - cereal  (*insert exaggerated gasp from the audience here*)

Stay tuned for the dramatic (and expensive - don't forget expensive) conclusion of the Cereal Mom Scandal in only 4-6 weeks... or is it 6-8 weeks... or maybe 6-10...

Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion of the Cereal Mom Scandal whenever government gets around to it. Because, in accordance with procedure, while I have only 30 days to present them with multiple pages of documentation, they will reply to me at their earliest (or perhaps not so earliest) convenience. I guess.

As long as we're waiting, though, we might as well entertain ourselves with some unacceptable forms of documentation:

Illegitimate Ultrasound Photo with My Name On It
(if that is my real name)

Illegitimate Baby Belly Photo
(You can tell it's illegitimate by how terrified I look.)

Illegitimate Hospital Photo
(It's incredible how exhausting not delivering a baby can be.)

Illegitimate Christmas Card
(My most sincere apologies to anyone who may have
received one of these a few months ago.
The government and I were not aware at that time that these
children might not actually exist.)