Sunday, December 4, 2011

Shock and Aww

Personal parenting styles are basically just glorified amalgams of trial and error techniques. With this in mind, I present today's informative blog topic, one of my favorite personal techniques: The Dave Seville. I won't bother explaining who Dave Seville is because those of you who've seen Alvin and the Chipmunks (the cartoon or the movie) already know, and for those of you who don't, there's Google. Now that everyone is (hopefully) caught up, you know how Dave always tries to get Alvin's attention by calling him a couple of times quietly, calmly, just before he completely explodes? That's me. Dave Seville...Washa.

I've always kind of wondered if Dave is even actually angry when he yells at Alvin or if he's just learned that yelling is the only effective way to cut through Alvin's obvious lack of focus and make himself heard. For me, while I do yell at my children about things that would legitimately enrage most parents (i.e. spilling an entire carton of juice all over the table and the floor – more than once in a day, feeding carefully prepared meals to the dog, using the crayon Mom doesn't know is in the car to create modern scribble art all over the back side windows) I'm really almost never legitimately enraged when I raise my voice. I do it more for the shock value than anything.

When you're raising small children, that moment of pure, frozen shock immediately following what the wayward child perceives as an entirely unprovoked parental outburst is priceless... and fleeting. In this moment, you can turn almost any situation to your advantage.

This is a point perhaps best illustrated through example:

Mom enters the kitchen to find the two children that just seconds ago she left sitting at the table quietly sipping from their cups of milk, now doing something different entirely. The oldest child, Logan, is blowing increasingly large bubbles in his milk, smiling happily to himself each time one of his bubble geysers spouts high enough to overflow the sides of the cup, affixing itself to either the table or his shirt. His partner in crime, Julianne, having not yet figured out the exact mechanics of simulated geothermal activity, has settled for attempting to plunge her entire hand into a cup that may be just barely large enough to accommodate it... were it not filled at least halfway to the top with milk. As it is, this process causes surprisingly (and evidently disappointingly) little milk to actually overflow the cup, but it does present the opportunity for a new activity: Using the drips from the milk-covered hand to paint a lovely lactose fresco on the recently polished surface of the table.  Just as Ms. Washa-Pollock is adding the final strokes to her masterpiece, her brother, Old Cupful, pauses to take notice of the fact that a group of feline tourists have appeared to observe the spectacle and lend a paw in clearing the path of liquid destruction.

Mom walks in quietly, unassumingly, and makes a calm and composed request, “We don't play in the milk, we drink it. Please get paper towels and clean up your mess.” Mom then turns her back, commences scrubbing a large pan, and the milk chaos resumes. Calmly placing the finished pan into the dish drainer, Mom turns around, notes that her request has been ignored, and with slightly more force, renews it, “Don't. Play. In. The Milk. Milk is for drinking. Only. If you do not wish to drink your milk, then please put your glasses in the refrigerator and you can have them later.” Mom leaves the room in order to begin scooping up the myriad of toys that have been haphazardly dumped in the doorway and that are now all but barracading everyone in the kitchen. When she turns around to check on her little ones... well I'll leave you to imagine what she sees.

That's that then. Mom storms into the kitchen eyes flashing, finger pointing, loud enough to scare the felines into abandoning a perfectly lovely and unexpected midday meal. “WOULD YOU TWO LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLE MESS!” (It's actually not that bad.) “I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO DISGRACEFUL!” (Today alone I've seen messes worse than this one.) “THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE ASKED YOU TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS, AND THAT ISN'T EVEN COUNTING WHEN I ASKED YOU TO PLEASE NOT MAKE A MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'M GOING IN THE LIVING ROOM TO CHANGE THE BABY'S DIAPER AND WHEN I COME BACK I HAD BETTER NOT SEE ANY MORE MILK ANYWHERE!

As Mom makes her dramatic exit from the kitchen, leaving the startled, suddenly motionless, speechless children to begin their frantic scramble for paper towels, she notices the pile of toys still blocking the kitchen door, and pounces on that opportunity like a gatto on leche (cat on milk; the kids love Spanish). Without missing a beat, she fires back over her shoulder, “AND PICK UP THESE TOYS BEFORE SOMEONE FALLS AND CRACKS THEIR HEAD OPEN AGAIN!” (I know exactly what you're thinking. 'Oh my! Again? How many times has this happened? How many times can a person crack his/her head open without incurring permanent brain damage?' The answer: I have no idea because unless you count the time a few months ago when Julianne fell flat on her face and damaged a couple of her front teeth, which I don't, this has never actually happened. Sure gets 'em movin' though, because really who wants to be responsible for an injury like that? Again.)

If you recall having watched the Chipmunks as a child, you'll probably also recall that Dave's total count of meltdowns per episode is never less than one. Dave hollers at Alvin twice in the slightly over two minute long Chipmunk Christmas Song alone, but if you look at the Chipmunk “family” overall, the kids are happy and well-adjusted, and overwhelmingly Dave is kind, patient, and accomodating, yelling only when he needs to for the purpose of retaining order. And once he's accomplished the challenging and ongoing goal of gaining Alvin's attention, he quiets back down and proceeds with the task at hand. The same can be said, I believe, of the situation at our house.

Most of the time, the kids and I maintain a positive, fun relationship occasionally interspersed with a little yelling and time out, but when I have to make negative comments I try to keep them to the situation. For example, “Look at this horrible mess! I have never seen anything so disgraceful!” as opposed to “You two are so bad! You made a mess again because all you can ever do is disappoint me.” The mess is bad, the behavior is bad, but always the children are good. They just need a little reminder of what good looks like every now and then.


Christmas Christmas Time Is Here....

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