Cereal Mom: Mason 365: Day 6

i cosleep

I follow this guy, Michael Wurm, on Pinterest.

He has a B&B in my home state of Pennsylvania
and he writes a really popular blog called Inspired by Charm.
His pinboards have a signature style that I really like: they all start with a lowercase i, as in ipad.
He has 52 boards (so far) and at least 50 of them follow the lowercase i pattern:
i blog, i decorate, i bake, i garden, i love dachshunds, etc.
Okay, 'i love dachshunds' isn't one of them. I just made that one up. It's me that loves dachshunds. We saw this one - two trick or treats ago - that was dressed up like a hotdog with a bun on either side and mustard on the top. Sort of like this:

Too adorable.
I took a picture of the one I saw, but it came out lousy.

Anyhow, I love the i theme for a couple of reasons.
First of all, it gives his profile a unifying theme which is nothing short of awe-inspiring to yours truly and the other pinboard challenged of the universe, and second of all because they're just clearly uniquely him.
You may have noticed that I'm not especially hung up on grammar (if you haven't, I won't get into it right now because I could write a whole separate blog on that topic alone) so his freewheeling use of capitalization appeals to that side of me as well.

But here's the point: That explanation just siphoned away about five minutes of your life for the sole and probably unnecessary purpose of divining an explanation for the title of my post.
Thanks Michael Wurm, Jr! Keep up the good blogging!

Now, moving on to my actual topic: Parenting Advice!
Want some?
Sorry Charlie, you've come to wrong place.
I'm not giving it.
I'm complaining about it.
So now that we're rid of a good half of you... to those remaining, I present:

List of Things I've Been Told By Relatives and Strangers Will Unquestionably Cause Permanent Harm to My Children Since I Was Pregnant With Logan
(and this isn't even all of them)

Overfeeding
Underfeeding

Sunshine:

Too Much? Sunburn... Heatstroke... Flaming Retinas...

Not Enough? No Vitamin D...Depression... (a HUGE concern involving the infant subculture)... Poor social skills brought on my extreme isolation from other sunbathers...

Swimming:

"If you start swimming lessons too early, your kids will be frightened of the water." ('Cause they didn't just get through swimming in my uterus for 9 months!)

"Plus if you accidentally drop them in, they might drown."

"Your baby will be too afraid of the water to swim if you don't get him into a pool as young as possible. You need to just dunk his head down in the water while he's still a baby so he'll be used to it." -Three Time Parent of the Year who has inexplicably asked to remain anonymous...

I've also heard my share (and then some) about the real or imagined dangers of chlorine and of course, once again, *sigh* burnt skin. They make a lotion for that, but there's a chance it could be toxic as well.

Don't feed peanut butter, nuts, or berries to babies under 4 years. This may cause anaphylactic shock with limited reaction time.

Do feed known allergens to babies between 4 and 6 months. This will make them less likely to develop allergies.

I compromise at a year. I see the concern, but there's no history of food allergies in our family. Although I have considered this other worthwhile alternative: Offer the potential allergen to a child under one year as a snack while you just happen to be, you know, just hangin' out in the ER waiting room - for a few hours - for no apparent reason. I'm just saying...

Don't breastfeed in the car. "You're all going to suffocate from the exhaust." A lady who was a complete stranger to me once tapped on my window in the Home Depot parking lot to lecture me on this topic for roughly five minutes while I sat there with a baby attached to my exposed breast. Think about all the exhaust that must have come in through the open window while she was talking. Not to mention the hot air...

Don't Breastfeed in Public. It's "disgusting" and "weird" and my legal right :) Who knew?

Don't Eat Too Much When You're Pregnant

You'll be sorry later when your baby's trim and healthy and you're huge and fat.

"I can't tell you how many calories to eat; Just eat as many as you need.. but not too many."

"Only eat when you're hungry."

"Only eat 300 more calories than you normally do." -Like I know how many calories I "normally" eat. That is a complex equation involving how many activities the kids and I are involved in on any specific day and how many bags of cheetos and/or cookies are readily available. And on what kind of clothes I'm wearing. And I only do ba-sic math once a year - when a reward in the form of a sizable refund may be involved.

"Eat the same amount of calories you normally would. Pregnant women don't actually need any extra food." -Umm, once again... "normally?!"

Eat Everything In Sight When You're Pregnant

If you don't, your baby will have "birth defects, generally poor health, underweight, prematurity, bad eating habits when he's older... " stop me when I get to something the baby is likely to have that would actually realistically be related to prenatal food consumption...

Keep Fit While Pregnant

Like I'm not fit all the time... 2 years postpartum I still "fit" right in to all of my maternity clothing...

Don't Lift Heavy Things or "Exert Yourself" While Pregnant

The 'exerting' one is especially doable when you have three kids under 5 already.

Kids Need to Be In School

Otherwise they'll have poor social skills and grow up to be technological and social pariahs... or write a famous transcendentalist novel.

Kids Pick Up Bad Habits from Other Kids. Keep them home as long as you can.

Right. Because I'm such a rocket scientist... My kids need to go to school just so they can learn something from someone who has a solid grip on long division.

Vaccines. Don't even ask.

You know it...

Grandparent Offender #1: "Be sweet to your kids. Let everything go. They're only young once. Let them have fun. Enjoy life. Boys will be boys."

The Following Day; Same Grandparent: "Kids need discipline. People are staring! Why doesn't he listen to you? You have got to get him under control. Have you tried time out? Back in my day, we'd put soap in a mouth like that. What's so wrong with spanking. Why, when I was young, if we even thought about talking back to our parents...

And of course: Public Enemy Number One.
Ever see this one?

Repulsive.
I'm ashamed to say it originated in my state.

Pay close attention new and expecting moms - At our house it looks a lot more like this:

(You know, if I was a bit younger and better looking, and had floral sheets.)

Here's my actual baby in the bed this morning:

Looks suspiciously alive, doesn't he?
Read this if you have some time:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
It's awesome.
Or this:
http://www.askdrsears.com/news/latest-news/dr-sears-addresses-recent-co-sleeping-concerns
It's basically the same, just a little more recent.

(extended eyeroll)
...and then there's this:
I saw it online the other day. A 'discourse' among young women with zero to one child apiece (roughly paraphrased):
"Have you ever approached a mom in the grocery store to tell her that the improper use of her infant car seat in the shopping cart could be endangering her child?"
Most hadn't had the audacity to actually approach someone, but nonetheless weighed in with appropriate amounts of contempt for these careless and irresponsible excuses for parents.
Those who had attempted the approach described the reactions they got as "rude" or "hostile." In other words, maternal.
You just approached what was most likely a stretched, exhausted, busy, diligent if not overly protective supermom to accuse her of laziness and neglect in the case of death by shopping cart.
Think she hasn't done the risk/benefit analysis already? That she's going to respond, "Oh thank you! Thank you so very, very much. I never would have associated the words 'hematoma' and 'concussion' with my shopping experience had it not been for you. How enlightened I am now by your all-seeing presence."
Think again. She might say something along those lines. We're polite like that.
But my advice? Don't go back to the store at that same time next week or you might have to see something like this:

Horrifying, isn't it? Julianne secures one side of the car seat. I keep my eye on the other.
I've heard a lot of "Boy you sure have your hands full," and "How ya fit any groceries in that cart?" and the occasional, "What aisle do they keep those in? Stocking up?"
Once a woman approached me at Walmart and gave me twenty dollars.
She said with all the kids I have to feed, I needed it more than she did.
I donated it to the Children's Miracle Network.
Pay it forward.
But I appreciated the sentiment.
And that it didn't come with any unsolicited advice.

Take Home Lesson?
Ever see those free sample booths at the end of the aisles on weekends?
They're giving away enough freebies at the grocery store.
Leave your folk wisdom in the Clearance section.