Mason 365: Day 13

Rocket Lunch

Every day when Logan gets home from school, he bounds in the doorway, inviting anyone who happens to be in his path (usually just me and the girls - and Baby Mason) to join him in the living room and proceeds to enlighten us with "The Reports."

Ahem. 

"First Report. Folder Report."

As he says this, he pulls out his blue five-star take-home folder (love five-star; that folder will probably still be at the top of its game when Logan is old and falling apart) and proceeds to relay all of the day's exciting news, describing in detail every. single. one of his important projects and the upcoming events at school. Should the teacher ever manage to slip in something that comes as a surprise to him, a five or so minute ordeal will inevitably ensue wherein I must painstakingly read every word of the offending print-out, pausing occasionally to acceptably explain any terms or concepts that he may find unclear. He then goes on to study the paper himself (he reads reasonably well) before we commence discussion on how best to handle situation.

"Second Report. Lunch Report."

Somewhat haphazardly retrieving the Thomas The Train lunch sack from his oversized school bag, he begins with an overarching minimalist synopsis such as "ate everything" or "not so good today" or "ran out of time." He then removes each empty Rubbermaid container individually, bestowing on them, one by one, a noun plus adjective description:
"Grapes? Gone. Yogurt - Gone." (His teacher says he always goes for the yogurt first.) "Oranges - Gone." Nothing is omitted. Not even items whose containers have been discarded in the school trash can: "Granola Bar? Gone. Juice Box - Gone. Fruit Snacks - Gone. 

The daily ritual concludes with the semi-archaeological mitten and hat dig, occasionally requiring expansion to a second dig site such as the Elementary Lost & Found, immediately followed by "homework" if there is any (something about the caliber of 4K homework just seems to necessitate quotation marks,) then the much-anticipated daily Sesame Street viewing.

Following the dramatic removal of the lunch sack from the ridiculously ginormous* bookbag, the Lunch Report bears a tendency to not-so-gradually slip into a state of marked tediousness and monotony, so it comes as a nice breath of fresh air when remarks like the following manage to weaves their little way into it:

"Cornbread: Soggy. (singsongy, somewhat scolding tone) Shouldn't've put it next to the juice box; Plum Sweets: Disgusting. I do not like Plum Sweets. I ate all the yogurt raisons  from in between and left the Plum Sweets behind. (Nods definitively. Fails to notice the hungry, chop-licking toddler lurking off to his side, waiting patiently for him to step out of the room. You know what they say - One kids lost Plum Sweets are a little one's gain..,) and, last but not least, my newest favorite from today...

"Peppers weren't gone, but they exploded out."

..
One of Logan's favorite lines from The Muppet Christmas Carol is when Rizzo the Rat says, "Mother always taught me: 'Never eat singing food.'"

So perhaps the age-old animosity of young children toward vegetables can be explained more simply than one mom might have thought. I'm pretty sure I've taught Logan at least once, "Never eat unstable food."

And they say kids don't listen...



(*I was a bit shocked that Blogger's automatic grammar check failed to digitally berate me on my ungrammatical use of the non-word ginormous. My first thought following the initial shock was this, "My congratulations to Will Ferrell who has miraculously succeeded in creating a word!" For verification, I decided to look it up and retrieved the following description from the Online Etymology Dictionary (who knew that existed?):

ginormous (adj.) 

1948, perhaps originally military colloquial, from a merger of gigantic + enormous.

Thanks 1948 military! You're awesome.

Goshdarnit. Now I kind of want to look up awesome... and goshdarnit :(

It's gonna be a long night...)

Mason 365: Day 12

Passing The Bar

Earlier, while Zach and his dad were cleaning out the garage and preparing dinner, I was tasked with making the roughly twenty mile trek to Walmart to retrieve s'more preparation materials. After spending a good 10 to 15 minutes getting two of our four children changed, bundled and in the car, I proceeded to spend the next two plus hours in some combination of driving to and from Walmart and canvassing its shelves for just about anything that caught my attention... because I was there with only two kids and they were both trapped in the cart (!) and quiet, which was in and of itself  little short of miraculous.

So, long story short(er), a set of living room curtains, a wireless ipad keyboard, a little girls' clearance top, a lengthy chat with a nice pair of preschool parents, a box of graham crackers, a carton of iced latte, and a few other random grocery items later, we pulled up to the holy grail of the Super Walmart - the glimmering, glorious candy bar section. Here, the deceivingly arduous (though infinitely worthwhile) decision-making process began.
It started out simply enough, with me reaching for and retrieving my usual standard-size Hershey bar 6-pack (most likely the only variety of 6-pack I'll ever consume.) That's when I make my fatal mistake. Just before dropping the pack in the cart, I take a last-minute inventory of the candy bar unit prices. (Since becoming a Cereal Mom who has neither the time nor the patience for couponing, I've become little less than obsessed with unit pricing. Unfortunately my obsession does not negate my lack of math skills. Thank goodness Walmart fields the calculations for me.) And there it is! Right smack at my eye level, three tenths of a cent cheaper per unit than what I'm 2 seconds away from no longer having in my hand, my new best confectionary friend, the almighty, royal King Size Hershey bar.
I've just begun eagerly grabbing up about as many as I can hold when I glance just above them and spot...  a slightly more cheap and massive bar - the goliath Giant Size! By this time, King Size is disappearing into my rearview faster than you can say 'shelf space' and I leave the store congratulating myself on my brilliant economizing. The only thing that could have made that moment any happier is if my lifelong quest for generic Hersheys had finally been realized. But let's just not go down that road... not on this happiest of days.

To the shock of all barbecuers present, I rolled in just  in time for dinner, sporting my glorious prize. They may have to hack it apart with a machete, but at least they'll appreciate all the money I saved while they're cracking their teeth on rock-hard s'mores - at least until the dental bills arrive...
And isn't that really what summer is all about?

'Cause we definitely needed this many.
We used one.
And the teeth were a closer call than you might have guessed.
Next time I feel the urge to take advantage of a fantastic deal on chocolate bars,
I think I'll put the dentist on speed dial...
Just to be safe.

Mason 365: Day 11

Suburban Legend

(Okay, Rural. But Suburban was catchier.)

Zach's a cable guy, so he visits other people's homes for a living.

And you know how people are always trying to rid themselves of their old, unwanted items?

Well, let's just say some cable guys could better have gone in to recycling...

Here's the story of an average "find:"

Zach: You'll never guess what I'm bringing home.

Me: Junk?

Zach: What?! No! Not "junk." A ten year old TV!

Me: So... junk?

Zach: That's not junk! Where can you find a ten a year old TV anymore?

Me: At the dump?

Zach: What? No, not the dump. It still works! 

Me: Well it's not coming in my house.

Zach: Alright. I'll put it in the garage.

The air hockey table was reluctantly classified as 'quality junk,' thereby making the cut for a coveted basement spot.

A few weeks later...
Grandpa Dennis: Logan, if you don't shape up I'm just going to put you down in the basement with all the spiders and snakes and...
Logan (anxiously): ...air hockey tables?


Princess Bride fans may appreciate this next part.
Everyone else will undoubtedly either begin scratching their heads or scrolling wildly...
both sure signs that they should immediately go out and rent The Princess Bride right this minute.
Go ahead.
You really should.
Cereal Mom blog will still be here when you get back.


GRANDPA
...what are the three terrors of the rural basement? One, the snake bites. No problem. There's a hissing sound proceeding each one, we can avoid that. Two, the Cellar Spider. But you were clever enough to discover their web layout when you weren't paying attention the last time, so in the future we can avoid those too.

LOGAN
Grandpa, what about the A.T.U.Q.'s?

GRANDPA
Air hockey Tables of Unusual Quality? I don't think they exist...

*GASP*

They DO exist!

(oops, there's nothing left to scroll down to.

Might as well go out and rent it...)

Mason 365: Day 10

Runnin' Against The Clock

I recently took upon myself the fun, though arduous, task of creating two custom pages of "memories" (mostly pictures) from this past year to be printed in Logan's school yearbook. Most likely for the benefit of the creatively challenged parent (i.e. yours truly), the yearbook website suggested some fill-in-the-blanks type options for memories he might want to include. Since I had absolutely no idea how I wanted to set the page up, I recorded a number of age-appropriate suggestions in a Word document and asked him for the answers a few at a time over the course of a day.

As we all know, one of the paramount components of the 4-year-old kindergarten curriculum is the importance of sharing - second only to the importance of parental modeling. So as to uphold my civic duty in helping provide my son a quality education both at school and in the home... I thought I'd share.

Before we begin, every good post needs a Color Key.
Or maybe that's maps...
Or nuclear reactor manuals...
Well, at any rate, my post has one.
It's just more entertaining that way.
Since the post is about Logan, I've chosen his favorite colors: blue and green.
Excellent Coincidence: They happen to be my favorites as well.

Fun Color Key!
Question
Such A Sweetie
Come Again?
Maternal Commentary

Oh yeah, one last thing before we begin.
Some of the questions have more than one answer.
I'll refer to these as my attempts.
If the first answer seemed not-so-yearbook-friendly and/or completely insane, I repeated the question in hopes of eventually arriving at something I could use.
Sometimes the answers improved.
...sometimes they didn't.

4K Yearbook Sucesses and Fails

A talent that I have is... drying off after the shower.

Julianne has been known to start drying off before she gets into the shower, so I suppose, at our house at least, waiting until you're actually soggy to begin the drying process could be considered a talent; 

He has also managed to avoid adopting the Corinne Method of vigorous drip-drying combined with racing furiously around the house, moaning mournfully, "Cwothes, Cwo-o-othes," then screeching and running off again when anyone tries to put some one you. 

So that's a plus.

My hero is... Mason because I love him. <3

This year I feel most grateful for... my mom because I love her. <3

My favorite thing to do is... nothing.

To be fair, although this answer appears to be lacking in ambition at the surface level, we have so much stuff going on around here that, every so often, 'nothing' is my favorite thing to do as well.

My favorite subject at school is... recess.

I kind of thought that didn't start until they were a little older...

My proudest moment this year was... starting Highland school. <3

Who has two thumbs and made the right call about schooling?
THIS Mom!
Every little win counts :)

The thing I love most about my mom is... she makes me waffles in the morning.

(from the Eggo box...)

The thing I like most about my dad is...

first attempt: ...he takes a shower.

There is something to be said for good hygiene...
By the way, I also shower. Just not in the morning. I'm too busy "making" waffles... and putting out fires.

second attempt: he farms a goat

yeah...except he doesn't!

Needless to say, that one didn't make the yearbook.

A time I felt really great this year was... when I ate corn dogs.

Some people just really appreciate the little things in life.

The word that best describes me is...

first attempt: goat  (hmm... petting zoo as a babysitting alternative?)

second attempt: Logan  (true - if a bit obvious)

My favorite place in the world is... America.

(shakes head) Ethnocentrism at such an early age.
Still, at least he know where he lives.

My favorite thing to wear is...

first attempt: an afro  (Blame Madagascar. He's only seen it once.)

second attempt: khaki pants  (infinitely better)

(Now would be an excellent time to tell you that after Julianne got home from school, she began stepping in from time to time to offer her input. (You won't be surprised to learn that she wants to do everything Logan does...)
I've added her in to the key as pink. That's her current favorite color. She passed purple down to Corinne when she changed her default setting to pink.
Too bad if I ever get around to painting their room it is still going to be all purple... because I already bought the paint... and I prefer purple.
Sometimes it's good to be the mom :) Anyhow...
Julianne's answer is "dress shirt," which isn't exactly what you're expecting. 
According to the New Julianne Dictionary Preschool Edition, "dress shirt (n.) is defined as "any dress worn as a shirt, over jeans - as shown: 

One of Julianne's more interesting clothing combos.
It's kind of my fault.
She insisted on wearing dresses in the winter,
so I insisted she wear pants underneath.
Maybe it'll catch on...
or not.
They're playing "doggie" here.
The dog talks.

If I were an animal I would be a...

Julianne said "goat", probably because her brother thinks he already is one.

Logan said "cheetah because they run fast and eat people."

Me: Because they eat people?! Do you want to eat people?

Logan (shrugs): Sure.

I took a few steps back and slipped over the baby gate unnoticed. Close one.

A memory from this year that makes me smile is... Mrs. Parker. <3
That's his 4K teacher. She's such a sweetheart. 
He got the most beautiful, spontaneous little guy grin the moment he thought of her. Love it.
Julianne's going to have her next year, and I have to admit I'm a little glad for both of us.
Now I don't have to give her up just yet :)

My favorite memory from vacation this year was... the sunken submarine at the hotel pool.

It was pretty fantastic.

The Polynesian Water Park
Wisconsin Dells
Kids 12 and under stay free!

One of my favorite foods is... apples.

An apple (or 15) a day...
No joke. I can hardly keep apples in the house.
I'm seriously considering buying a tree.

For Halloween this year I was... Chester from The Kissing Hand.

Front View

Back View
His bag has a copy of the book cover on it.

Something big that happened to my family this year was... Baby Mason was born. <3
...and we have a winner!

My favorite toy is...
Julianne says Counting Pal.
Logan says "my humongous puppy dog from Aunt Karla."
Thanks Aunt Karla!

My favorite thing to do is... dance!

I want to fill this space with a video of Corinne dancing, because she does the most adorable baby dance.
But I haven't been able to get a video of it yet that does it justice.
Stay tuned...

My favorite book character of all time is... Frog & Toad.
They really should have considered multiple-character titles when drafting this question.
Also, I love Frog & Toad too.

My favorite author is... Arnold Lobel.
He wrote Frog & Toad.
Owl At Home is another winner.

I love to spend time with... Mom because I love her.
aww

My favorite game to play is... Star Wars Monopoly.
Quality time spent with Dad on the weekends.
I don't do Monopoly.

And finally.... (desktop drumroll please):

When I grow up, I want to be... 
first attempt: a snowman. (that's just cold)
second attempt: a king. (dream big...)
third attempt: a papa and a Charter worker.
...just like his dad. 
I can live with that.

The Finished Product!

(Sort of...)

Technology has really  been fighting me every step of the way on this one and,
although I was certainly the underdog,
I called on my last-ditch secret weapon, Deputy Print Screen, to save the day.
Just as the final seconds were ticking down, we pulled off the unlikely win
and got the image to you safe and sound...
until the copyright enforcement folks arrive anyway.
(But that's an element of technology that I have no knowledge of for another day.)

The custom page background is a photo we took of the Wisconsin River last summer when we were on vacation in the Dells. Some certain naysayers said that doesn't really matter because you can hardly see any of it and no one would know what it is.
But I know it's special, and now so do you :)
So that makes several of us.

I finally marked the custom pages 'Print Ready,' with little to no time to spare,

the night before it was due...

...really took me back to every deadline I've ever been given

ever.

Can't wait to see the officially finished project when the yearbooks arrive.
You've been good to us 4K.
We'll Miss You!

Mason 365: Day 9

 The Face on the Pampers Box

Ever read The Face on the Milk Carton?

Next time Zach goes to the store, I'm going to tell him to try to find some diaper boxes with
pictures of other people's kids on them.

I have enough pictures of our kids already.

The little guys are even both eyeing up the same part of Mom.
Hmm...

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times:

Don't go out modeling without telling someone first!
Some babies will just never learn.

Mason 365: Day 8

Chi-Baba Chi-Baba Chihuahua

Anyone besides me familiar with Chi-Baba, one of the best, cutest, most entertaining baby songs ever?

If not, either take your pick or *sigh* miss out and skip to the bottom:

Perry Como

Mini History Lesson: In 1947, this is what was considered "pop" music. It spent 12 weeks on the Billboard Chart and was #1 for a couple of them. In other semi-relevant news, Perry Como grew up in Canonsburg, Pennsylvania which is under an hour from where I grew up and a little under half an hour from our first house in Bethel Park. There's a big statue of him there and I remember them having at least one big parade in his honor.The "video" is just a picture of a pretty cool, ancient record player as, unfortunately (perhaps) Perry didn't quite make it to the age of MTV.

The Wiggles

Love The Wiggles. I can see myself "jamming" to them in the car long after my kids are grown up and listening to... well I'd rather not even think about what. Maybe I'll get lucky and pop music will have turned the old 180 back to 1947 by then, but somehow I doubt it. At any rate, some 60 years later, they seem to have also missed the MTV boat as the only Chi-Baba "video" I could find is an audio recording with a picture of the album cover. (Which could be helpful if you're in the market for a cute album for the kiddos. "Murray Had A Turtle" is equally close to our hearts.) 

So... looks like it's a listening day here at Cereal Mom Blog. Enjoy!

Having absolutely no knowledge of the Italian culture apart from what can be learned at Pizza Hut, I had originally assumed that the song was written in Italian. However, following some strenuous Internet research, I've become somewhat convinced that the song's official dialect is, in fact, complete and total Gibberish made up, to some degree, to emulate traditional Italian.
After all, Chi-Baba is supposed to be an Italian lullaby. And what more appropriate language to sing to a baby in than their native Gibberish?
Interesting Side Note: I once read that before babies start to specialize, their 'babble' actually comprises every sound from every known language spoken on earth. Almost makes me wish they didn't have to choose...
So the long and short moral here is: don't think about it too hard.
It's a weird but sweet song and my little ones love it.




Julianne was a bit later for school this morning than I had planned because just as we were about to head out the door, Logan decided that Mason was in desperate need of a driving buddy. His buddy of choice was this pet chihuahua that he can't sleep without.
Logan's previous nighttime companion was this adorable duck baby blankie that I got at Babies 'R Us on clearance when he was a couple of months old.

Duck had a good run, but last May we were garage saling (don't question my terminology - "garage saling" is clearly beyond reproach) at one of the neighbor's houses when he was displaced by "Doggie" the beanie chihuahua.
Shameful Admission: When Logan talked me into purchasing Doggie at the garage sale, I was definitely convinced he was a kangaroo.
He looks nothing like one.
Zach had to straighten me out.

I wanted to find a picture of Logan with his duck blankie, but sadly,
I couldn't, so I uploaded the two next best things:
A picture of Logan with a  duck...
June 2, 2009
18 months old

And a picture of the actual duck blankie
that I found on Google Images -
minus the name Jacob embroidered on it.
They don't offer those kinds of
services in the BRU Clearance section.

Now here's where the photography finally comes in to my "photography" project...

I didn't have a lot of time to take this shot and the flash didn't go off,

so I wasn't sure whether or not it would turn out to be out of focus.

It is, but just a little, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to try my hand at some actual photo editing technique.

Anyone have a favorite?

This is the original.

Cropped.

Black and White.

Logan was so excited to share his prized pet chihuahua with his baby brother.
When we returned from the preschool run, Logan actually got him to truly hold it in one hand, facing forward, so you could tell it was a chihuahua... or a kangaroo.
That's the first time I've seen him really grip on to something like he actually wanted it, rather than it just having been placed there between his two hands.
Logan's even been working on a sleep schedule so that Mason can have some sleepovers with Doggie and some of Logan's less acclaimed bed buddies as well. I tried to explain to him why that wasn't really necessary at Mason's age, but he insisted.
Logan doesn't give up bedtime with Doggie for anyone.
It's impossible to foresee what kind of relationship my boys will have with one another in the future,
but I hope that one day, Mason, you'll have a chance to read this and see just how much your big brother adored you :)
At 5, giving up your bed buddy is the ultimate sacrifice.



Oh, and in case anyone's interested, the "real" (if you consider Gibberish real) - maybe I should say 'correct.'
A-hem. Starting again. The correct spelling of the Chi-Baba lyrics is: "Chi-Baba Chi-Baba Chi-Wawa."
Ahhh. "Clever Girl..."

Mason 365: Day 7!

And On The Seventh Day...

Back when we had only one kid and a few extra dollars and we lived within reasonable proximity to other mammals that didn't moo, I used to take various baby socialization classes with Logan.
When he was right around the one year mark, we took a class at The Little Gym in McMurray.
I was pregnant with Julianne and one of the other moms who was there with her second child shared my love of super-amateur photography.
She had dedicated herself to taking at least one photograph a day of each of her two children.
She called them their "dailies."

My best habit is more of simultaneous than of daily photography. I'm pretty sure I don't take pictures of the kids every single day, but when I take a picture of one, I take a picture of the others as well. All at the same time. So at the end of the day (literally and figuratively) everyone has roughly the same amount of pictures. I observe this ritual in the hopes that one day when I'm 90 years old and nearly too tired to move, I'll hopefully not have to spend any of my remaining days getting dragged into my grandchild's therapy sessions to discuss how my youngest child (whomever that may turn out to be) felt ignored and neglected due to the extreme lack of photographic evidence of his/her childhood and subsequently went on to psychologically damage the next generation as well.
My fault entirely.
smh. I have too much guilt already.
(Witness my first ever use of smh! I am just too cool for words...
Get it? 'Cause I used letters instead? Too funny too :) )

But anyway, forget about that therapy stuff. Clearly I made it all up.
The truth is that basically I am just completely in love with any and all pictures of my kids.
(Aren't we all?)

So... since it is the proverbial "seventh day" of my "photography" project,
despite the fact that what I'm creating falls pretty far short of the great majesty
that is the creation of the universe,
I thought I'd go a little easy on myself and simply present to you - today's dailies.

Yes Sensei.
In reality, she's wearing the scarf of a very small plastic snowman on her head.
I like this one because it reminds me of one time when Logan was little and he put on one of my elastic headbands.
I told him it made him look just like Rambo.
When Zach walked in a few minutes later he announced excitedly, "Look Dad! I look just like Rainbow."
She's actually slightly closer to living up to the name of "Rainbow.".
His headband was black.

Today was a pajama party day at the Washa House.
Not enough clean laundry :)

The Star of Our Show: Baby Mason!
Is this kid adorable or what?

Looks like Corinne takes the loss in today's therapeutic lottery.
She's in a mood and so is my camera.

Mason 365: Day 6

i cosleep

I follow this guy, Michael Wurm, on Pinterest.

He has a B&B in my home state of Pennsylvania
and  he writes a really popular blog called Inspired by Charm.
His pinboards have a signature style that I really like: they all start with a lowercase i, as in ipad.
He has 52 boards (so far) and at least 50 of them follow the lowercase i pattern:
i blog, i decorate, i bake, i garden, i love dachshunds, etc.
Okay, 'i love dachshunds' isn't one of them. I just made that one up. It's me that loves dachshunds. We saw this one - two trick or treats ago - that was dressed up like a hotdog with a bun on either side and mustard on the top. Sort of like this:

Too adorable.
I took a picture of the one I saw, but it came out lousy.

Anyhow, I love the i theme for a couple of reasons.
First of all, it gives his profile a unifying theme which is nothing short of awe-inspiring to yours truly and the other pinboard challenged of the universe, and second of all because they're just clearly uniquely him.
You may have noticed that I'm not especially hung up on grammar (if you haven't, I won't get into it right now because I could write a whole separate blog on that topic alone) so his freewheeling use of capitalization appeals to that side of me as well.

But here's the point: That explanation just siphoned away about five minutes of your life for the sole and probably unnecessary purpose of divining an explanation for the title of my post.
Thanks Michael Wurm, Jr! Keep up the good blogging!

 Now, moving on to my actual topic: Parenting Advice!
Want some?
Sorry Charlie, you've come to wrong place.
I'm not giving it.
I'm complaining about it.
So now that we're rid of a good half of you... to those remaining, I present:

List of Things I've Been Told By Relatives and Strangers Will Unquestionably Cause Permanent Harm to My Children Since I Was Pregnant With Logan
(and this isn't even all of them)

• Overfeeding
• Underfeeding

• Sunshine:

• Too Much? Sunburn... Heatstroke... Flaming Retinas...

• Not Enough? No Vitamin D...Depression... (a HUGE concern involving the infant subculture)... Poor social skills brought on my extreme isolation from other sunbathers... 

• Swimming:

• "If you start swimming lessons too early, your kids will be frightened of the water." ('Cause they didn't just get through swimming in my uterus for 9 months!)

• "Plus if you accidentally drop them in, they might drown."  

• "Your baby will be too afraid of the water to swim if you don't get him into a pool as young as possible. You need to just dunk his head down in the water while he's still a baby so he'll be used to it." -Three Time Parent of the Year who has inexplicably asked to remain anonymous...

• I've also heard my share (and then some) about the real or imagined dangers of chlorine and of course, once again, *sigh* burnt skin. They make a lotion for that, but there's a chance it could be toxic as well.

• Don't feed peanut butter, nuts, or berries to babies under 4 years. This may cause anaphylactic shock with limited reaction time.

• Do feed known allergens to babies between 4 and 6 months. This will make them less likely to develop allergies.

• I compromise at a year. I see the concern, but there's no history of food allergies in our family. Although I have considered this other worthwhile alternative: Offer the potential allergen to a child under one year as a snack while you just happen to be, you know, just hangin' out in the ER waiting room - for a few hours - for no apparent reason. I'm just saying...

• Don't breastfeed in the car. "You're all going to suffocate from the exhaust."  A lady who was a complete stranger to me once tapped on my window in the Home Depot parking lot to lecture me on this topic for roughly five minutes while I sat there with a baby attached to my exposed breast. Think about all the exhaust that must have come in through the open window while she was talking. Not to mention the hot air...

• Don't Breastfeed in Public. It's "disgusting" and "weird" and my legal right :)  Who knew?

• Don't Eat Too Much When You're Pregnant

• You'll be sorry later when your baby's trim and healthy and you're huge and fat.

• "I can't tell you how many calories to eat; Just eat as many as you need.. but not too many."

• "Only eat when you're hungry."

• "Only eat 300 more calories than you normally do."  -Like I know how many calories I "normally" eat. That is a complex equation involving how many activities the kids and I are involved in on any specific day and how many bags of cheetos and/or cookies are readily available. And on what kind of clothes I'm wearing. And I only do ba-sic math once a year - when a reward in the form of a sizable refund may be involved.

• "Eat the same amount of calories you normally would. Pregnant women don't actually need any extra food."  -Umm, once again... "normally?!"

• Eat Everything In Sight When You're Pregnant

• If you don't, your baby will have "birth defects, generally poor health, underweight, prematurity, bad eating habits when he's older... " stop me when I get to something the baby is  likely to have that would actually realistically be related to prenatal food consumption...

• Keep Fit While Pregnant

• Like I'm not fit all the time...  2 years postpartum I still "fit" right in to all of my maternity clothing...

• Don't Lift Heavy Things or "Exert Yourself" While Pregnant

• The 'exerting' one is especially doable when you have three kids under 5 already.

• Kids Need to Be In School

• Otherwise they'll have poor social skills and grow up to be technological and social pariahs... or write a famous transcendentalist novel.

• Kids Pick Up Bad Habits from Other Kids. Keep them home as long as you can.

• Right. Because I'm such a rocket scientist... My kids need to go to school just so they can learn something from someone who has a solid grip on long division.

• Vaccines.  Don't even ask.

• You know it...

• Grandparent Offender #1: "Be sweet to your kids. Let everything go. They're only young once. Let them have fun. Enjoy life. Boys will be boys."

• The Following Day; Same Grandparent: "Kids need discipline. People are staring! Why doesn't he listen to you? You have got to get him under control. Have you tried time out? Back in my day, we'd put soap in a mouth like that. What's so wrong with spanking. Why, when I was young, if we even thought about talking back to our parents...

And of course: Public Enemy Number One.
Ever see this one?

 Repulsive.
I'm ashamed to say it originated in my state.

Pay close attention new and expecting moms - At our house it looks a lot more like this:

(You know, if I was a bit younger and better looking, and had floral sheets.)

Here's my actual baby in the bed this morning:

Looks suspiciously alive, doesn't he?
Read this if you have some time:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
It's awesome.
Or this:
http://www.askdrsears.com/news/latest-news/dr-sears-addresses-recent-co-sleeping-concerns
It's basically the same, just a little more recent.



(extended eyeroll)
...and then there's this:
I saw it online the other day. A 'discourse' among young women with zero to one child apiece (roughly paraphrased):
"Have you ever approached a mom in the grocery store to tell her that the improper use of her infant car seat in the shopping cart could be endangering her child?"
Most hadn't had the audacity to actually approach someone, but nonetheless weighed in with appropriate amounts of contempt for these careless and irresponsible excuses for parents.
Those who had attempted the approach described the reactions they got as "rude" or "hostile." In other words, maternal.
You just approached what was most likely a stretched, exhausted, busy, diligent if not overly protective supermom to accuse her of laziness and neglect in the case of death by shopping cart.
Think she hasn't done the risk/benefit analysis already? That she's going to respond, "Oh thank you! Thank you so very, very much. I never would have associated the words 'hematoma' and 'concussion' with my shopping experience had it not been for you. How enlightened I am now by your all-seeing presence."
Think again. She might say something along those lines. We're polite like that.
But my advice? Don't go back to the store at that same time next week or you might have to see something like this:

Horrifying, isn't it? Julianne secures one side of the car seat. I keep my eye on the other.
I've heard a lot of "Boy you sure have your hands full," and "How ya fit any groceries in that cart?" and the occasional, "What aisle do they keep those in? Stocking up?"
Once a woman approached me at Walmart and gave me twenty dollars.
She said with all the kids I have to feed, I needed it more than she did.
I donated it to the Children's Miracle Network.
Pay it forward.
But I appreciated the sentiment.
And that it didn't come with any unsolicited advice.

Take Home Lesson?
Ever see those free sample booths at the end of the aisles on weekends?
They're giving away enough freebies at the grocery store.
Leave your folk wisdom in the Clearance section.

Charge:
Risk of drowning in a public pool
while wearing potentially toxic sunscreen.

Additional Evidence For When They Finally Come To Cart Me Away For Neglect & Child Endangerment:

Trapped indoors while the sun is shining.
Forced to play with non-educational toys.

Overfed?

Eating berries unsupervised under the age of 4.

Not in the ER waiting room.

Ambiguous Pregnancy Photos

Guess my "normal" caloric intake.
Over/Under Set At 2000.
And... Go!

Exerting Myself.
For Shame!
Even Logan is Embarrassed.

Not long division. I swear!

Picking up bad habits at school.